Report: The ‘Orlando Asian Mogger’ Has Been Challenged By The ‘Jacksonville Asian Mogger’

By O.A. CARRY FOR: 65,000〡PUBLISHED: February 7th, 2026

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On a recent livestream hosted by controversial Kick streamer Clavicular, 19-year-old Dick Eater was recognized by friends and family watching the stream at home.

“I have a bunch of friends and family watching,” Eater said to Clavicular in the viral clip, which made the rounds on X / Twitter this past week. The watch party happening inside the Eater household exploded with joy when he mentioned them.

“That’s my boy!” shouted Dick Eater Sr., grabbing the crotch of our 65,000 reporter when his son started speaking. But then the room's energy lowered. Everyone was gripping their seats as Eater Jr. asked Clavicular his next question. “I would have the honor if you could verify me as the ‘Orlando Asian Mogger.’”

Mrs. Eater sat with her fingers crossed. The entire group held a similar tension. Each person expressed a breathless, weightless anticipation. The matriarch, Dick Eater’s grandmother, Grandma Eater, looked to the sky and prayed.

“Bro,” Clavicular said, quivering.

It was so quiet — you could hear a dick get hard in the Eater household.

“I don’t know. You guys are kinda cringe, bro. Just gonna be real,” Clavicular said.

“No!” shouted Eater Sr.

“Don’t walk away!” exclaimed Grandma Eater. She put her head in her hands.

The scene was disappointment, dishonor, and shame — an all too familiar feeling in the Eater household.

“He was supposed to free us,” said Eater Sr., who, in 1985, had a similar embarrassing encounter with actor Charlie Sheen, which was well-documented in a scathing Playboy piece at the time.

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In nearby Jacksonville, Florida, 21-year-old Big Glazer, known locally as the “Jacksonville Asian Mogger,” laughed at the embarrassing clip. While our 65,000 reporter was still on the scene, a messenger arrived at the Eater household with a telegram from the local rival.

“I’ll mog you any day, bro,” read Eater Sr. from the letter to the group. “Get your sub-5, goatee-having ass to the Planet Fitness in St. Augustine, and we’ll see who’s the real Asian mogger in North/Central Florida.”

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Dick Eater arrived home shortly after, dejected, with his designer wide-leg baggy sweatpants ripped at the seams. “He pants me, mom! He cut the stream and pants me!” Eater said about Clavicular. He began to cry. A group hug commenced, and our 65,000 reporter joined it.

“Why didn’t I shave my penis?” Eater said as he was being emotionally healed by the group’s energy. “Why do I always get pants when I haven’t shaved my penis!” Amazingly, Eater’s pubes naturally grow into a goatee.

“I can’t help it. Every patch of hair on this perfect body grows that way!”

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When everything cooled down, Mrs. Eater calmed her son by combing the goatee on his face. When he was ready, the group told him about the Jacksonville Asian Mogger's challenge. Eater seemed excited for the showdown in spite of it all. “He doesn’t know who he’s mogging with,” the young man said to the group.

The entire family hopped into the lone Honda Accord in the driveway, which, in an avant-garde way, was hilariously dilapidated and appeared to be melting into the hot Florida pavement.

“Don’t worry, I was born in this thing,” said Dick Eater to our reporter. “Here, sit here. This is where it all began.”

St. Augustine was about a two-hour drive, and for most of it, Eater was bone-smashing his cheekbones, using the corner of his Samsung Galaxy Note 7, which had the Google Image search results for “hammer” pulled up on it.

Dick Eater opened up to our 65,000 reporter during the ride. “I’ve never been to a Planet Fitness before,” he said. “My mom always said that we had our own Planet Fitness at home.” Mrs. Eater then proudly showed the lauded home gym set-up. Unfortunately, her phone screen was too cracked to make out anything.

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The Jacksonville Asian Mogger was already standing in the parking lot—in his lucky number 67 parking spot—when the Eater family arrived. “I lost my virginity in this parking spot,” he told us on the scene. “I didn’t even have a car then.”

The Orlando Asian Mogger was immediately intimidated upon noticing the vintage distressed low-neck tank top worn by his opponent. “This is the tank top Zyzz died in,” he claimed.

Eater was also intimidated because the Jacksonville Asian Mogger was actually attractive. He had hunter eyes, an ideal positive canthal tilt, and an undisputed jawline. And that was only his face. His wide-frame, rock-hard abs, and the definition in his biceps and triceps were enough to make a grown man cry. “It’s so over,” he muttered to himself.

“Your dad’s a moid, and your mom’s a landwhale. So, what, you brought them here to make you look better? You’re a manlet orbiter larping as an alpha. Just fucking LOL.”

Big Glazer’s words were poisonous. And as Dick Eater sulked away, an employee at nearby Petco watching the encounter from the window took another lick of his break-time ice cream cone. It tasted really good. It had chocolate, peanut butter, and little bits of cookie dough. “Fucking normie noodlecels,” he said to himself before getting back to work.

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